In Control: Dangerous Relationships and How They End in Murder

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In a culture that has normalised misogyny, we determinedly cling to the belief that domestic violence is a private matter in which both parties bear some responsibility. For example, the constant need for validation from the partner in the relationship guaranteed by the perpetrator's threat of suicide (Stage 3), and when the partner is firmly within the perpetrators grasp of control (Stage 5), there is a sudden change of behavioural pattern like no longer needing to go through the daily rituals as a couple together and even giving the controlled spouse more freedom (Stage 6) and murder/manslaughter takes place in the most violent manner - stabbing in broad daylight being one occurrence (Stage 8).

It helps that the book is immensely 'readable' although of course some of the content is horrifying. Otherwise, what else is nuclear weapons but the state equivalent of an individual stabbing someone 28 times and then turning themselves in? In control: Dangerous relationships and how they end in murder by Jane Monckton-Smith © Bloomsbury Publishing Plc. And answers the question of ‘why didn’t she just leave’ , these people are under an insane amount of pressure to meet the perpetrators ego loyalty and control where leaving isn’t a safe option sometimes and the book explains and rejects why victim blaming isn’t acceptable. Knowing about and being able to recognize the patterns of coercive control can be life-changing (or in the worst case life-saving) not only for professionals but for relatives, friends, coworkers of victims or even strangers they interact with.

It describes how perpetrators establish and maintain control through fear and routines, some of which may seem innocuous.

Chapters seven and eight cover planning and carrying out the homicide, including insights into some well-known cases. Jane Monkton-Smith takes us through the eight stages that an abuser will follow should the worst happen, but of course there are many more who make journeys along, or around, the earlier stages. It is time to realise that the "crime of passion" is a myth, that domestic abuse is a heinous crime, that coercive control leaves people (predominantly women and children) live in constant fear.What should people do if they have a friend or a relation involved with a controlling and possibly abusive partner?

If I knew someone in this situation I suspect the book would terrify me but I would also feel empowered to act in some way. This book, for me, was a fascinating and disturbing insight into controlling behaviours, early signs, and how quickly they can escalate into something far more sinister. Reading the book I agree with everything the author says and was impressed by her knowledge, insight and empathy. I wish I had known this 15 years ago but feel excited and empowered to make a difference now with what I have learnt.

The hardest part, after reading this book, is knowing how to effectively intervene – from legal or personal perspectives. I’m by no means saying that someone who is controlling will commit murder but it is still incredibly harmful for the victim and they might not even know it. These are demonstrated through case studies, homicide reviews, and interviews with perpetrators and the families and friends of victims. honestly, this might be one of the only non-fiction books I would reread over and over again and it’s already one of my favourite books of the year.

Step by step, I could see the signs, I knew before, reading this book made me think more and realise more. Jealousy and manipulation in the nature of ownership is socially conscious of being "big man", "love". It is something I would have hoped would be difficult to find information on (as if to believe it wasn’t so common).As a police officer who works in this area this book has revolutionized my understanding of control and abuse with tangible changes I will take away. Jane does a fabulous job of highlighting control ways we can all sometimes contribute to victim shaming and forces us all to take accountability in our approach of the victims of such debilitating, unsettling and trauma fuelled abuse. Knowledge is power’ - This is a book any one in a relationship, considering being a relationship, or who knows someone in a relationship should read. The author isn't trying to express emotions and has made an excellent effort to remove any bias on her behalf. Though I will say, women especially should read this book as they continue to suffer from domestic violence at incredibly high rates.