How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids

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Jancee's tone aside, the advice and conversations that she and her husband Tom had about raising a child in today's world were very insightful. Tom and Jancee's interactions made me examine my own interactions with my wife and daughters. Dunn talks about her “everyone sort of wins” approach to weekends, making sure they take the time to discuss what things need to happen for each person to “sort of win” that weekend and then making sure that they happen.

maternal gatekeeping--in which mothers can swing open the gate to encourage fatherly participation, or clang it resolutely shut by controlling or limiting Dad's interactions with kids" (p37)Holly knew her life would change when she became a parent. And when her first ultrasound showed she was pregnant with two babies, she knew it would change even more. What she wasn't prepared for was just how much it would impact her relationship with her partner of five years. Soon after the birth, they began having "explosive" arguments. They talked about breaking up. Know that your baby is affected [by your fighting],” Dunn says. “If you’re fighting over her head, making a few choice gestures, she’s getting those stress responses. We were in a pattern called ‘Demand-Withdrawal,’” in which one partner tries to get the other to do something, or to engage and communicate, and the other one just shuts down. The relationship gurus John and Julie Gottman call this stonewalling, and it’s one of the big predictors of divorce. (Um, maybe because it’s enraging.) I’m so tired of asking Andrew to do things around the house. No one has to ask me. You know why? Because I just get on with it.”

So, obvious disclaimer: I don't hate my husband. After hearing an interview with the author on a podcast I listen to, and running across the audiobook on my library app, I figured I'd give it a listen to see if I could glean any new tips.

I feel like he’s a guest at the hotel I’m running. I’m constantly taking a silent feminist stand to see if he’ll step up and lend a hand. The scorekeeping never ends.” A note: Her how-to is primarily for heterosexual couples—there is a larger body of research on heterosexual couples than there is for same-sex couples, and hetero couples have all the aforementioned gender-role programming to deal with—but the book is pretty helpful for anyone at all who’s ever resented their partner after having a baby. I found some of the situations disturbingly exagerated, some having lots in common with (my) real life and some beyond reality (some things just cannot be done). I loved this book because it had so many hands-on ideas for improving relationships. And not just marriage, but also how you interact with your children, your parents or in-laws, your neighbors and your co-workers.