Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

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The book begins by discussing the 3 insecure attachment styles, which most often are determined in childhood. So I was basically that meme of Joey from Friends - starting a poly book like ;) then reading about my own issues like :( Polysecure skilfully dives into attachment styles through the lens of trauma, as a reflective practice to understand our needs, motivations, and behaviours, in relation to ourselves and potential or current non-monogamous practices. It is a compulsively readable and accessible, while being short and concise. Jessica Fern is a psychotherapist who works with non-monogamous clients and who practices non-monogamy herself, and she brings a wealth of experience that is both rich in theory and applicable in practice. Landolt, M., et al. (2004). Gender nonconformity, childhood rejection, and adult attachment: A study of gay men. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 33(2), 117–128. The author first describes the different types of attachment styles, not as enclosed boxes but rather as a nuanced spectrum everybody can reflect into. Then she explores how these styles affect and interweave with relationships - monogamous and non-monogamous - resulting in an enriching manual on how to be better at loving ourselves and loving others. I believe this goes much beyond romantic relationships to embrace family, friends and colleagues too.

Rubel, A. N., & Bogaert, A. F. (2015). Consensual nonmonogamy: Psychological well-being and relationship quality correlates. Journal of Sex Research, 52(9), 961–982. A practical guide to nurturing healthy, loving non-monogamous relationships using attachment theory.As Fern describes in her opening chapter, researchers John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth developed attachment theory in the middle of the last century to explain why some children showed intense distress when separated from their parents. She knew what I meant. Was it really so disastrous that she and I could only have amazing sex and close friendship? Couldn’t we just have what we had, and not try to make it into something that it wasn’t? Was it necessary to make each other feel bad for not living up to an ideal in which we didn’t even believe? Subsequent research found that these childhood experiences with our caregivers shape our adult relationships, because they condition—in deep, unconscious ways—what we can expect from the people we love. Adults with a “hyperactivated” attachment system are more likely to make constant bids for attention, positive and negative, because they’re worried that loved ones will get bored and wander away as their parents once did. In contrast, children who suffered abuse or loss will deactivate their attachment system in adulthood: Since people are scary, then it’s better to expect the worst and not ask them for help. There are several different ways for psychologists to categorize adult attachment styles, but in her book, Fern breaks them out into four basic units: secure, dismissive, preoccupied, and fearful. Dr. Ian Jenkins and his partners, Jeremy Hodges and Dr. Alan Mayfield—a polyamorous throuple—made history when they became the first family in California to list three parents on a birth certificate. This month, Jenkins published a book about their journey to parenthood, Three Dads and a Baby (Cleis Press). Ka, W. L., Bottcher, S., & Walker, B. R. (2020). Attitudes toward consensual non-monogamy predicted by sociosexual behavior and avoidant attachment. Current Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-020-00941-8

All products are fully recyclable and as a responsible supplier we will discuss with you your design and as part of our Attachment theory has entered the mainstream, but most discussions focus on how we can cultivate secure monogamous relationships. What if, like many people, you’re striving for secure, happy attachments with more than one partner? I'm not saying attachment theory is 'the way', but (along with other approaches to conceptualising people's behaviours and needs within interpersonal relationships of any kind) I think it's an interesting way to look at things that can give insights, especially into how anothers reactions and/or responses might differ dramatically from your own.

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For me, the most interesting part was the first section where the latest in attachment theory is summarized, without the common mononormative orientation. Though I studied psychology and certainly learned about attachment theory, this was a great refresher and updater of my knowledge. On a personal level, it helped me to better understand not only myself and my partners, but even more so the various dynamics among the three of us. Interesting and very useful stuff, well presented. There are more than a few books out there about how nonmonogamy works. We haven't moved very far past them, most books are about what it is, how it works, the basics. But for regular relationships, those kinds of books don't really exist. For monogamous relationships, though, you have a seemingly infinite number of self-help books about how to make your relationships better. But these books are pretty useless for consensually nonmonogamous people. What is normal for monogamous relationships, the benchmarks, the agreements, etc., is not at all similar to what CNM people (as Fern calls them) have. POLYSECURE wants to be a relationship self-help book for people in nonmonogamous relationships, specifically people thinking about attachment styles. It is successful at what it sets out to do, though some of the task Fern has taken on slows her down a bit. But it's still so unusual to see this kind of book in the world that it feels radical. I found so much value I'll probably dwell a bit longer on each chapter, and I'll definitely go through a re-read over my next relationship. We work with a network of global supply partners that allow us to offer best value on a wide range of quality products. Barker, M. (2011). Monogamies and non-monogamies: A response to “The challenge of monogamy: Bringing it out of the closet and into the treatment room” by Marianne Brandon. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 26(3), 281–287.

Repair attempts are much more successful when there is a pre-existing relationship culture of understanding each other, expressing gratitude and regularly doing nice things for each other, which supports the relationship in being better able to withstand the inevitable storms." In her book, Fern applies insights from decades of research testing the theory of attachment to people who are striving for secure relationships with more than one partner. Polysecure goes a long way toward clarifying what’s at stake in discussions like the one I had on that day: If it wasn’t secure attachment that we had, then what could we get from each other that would enrich both our lives? Diamond, L. M. (2008). Sexual fluidity: Understanding women’s love and desire. Harvard University Press. Sheff, E. (2005). Polyamorous women, sexual subjectivity and power. Journal of Contemporary Ethnography, 34(3), 251–283. I wish I'd read this at high school. I wish all my friends had read this at high school. It would have saved us a lot of pain — the pain we dealt to others, the pain others dealt to us, and the pain we dealt to ourselves.Katz-Wise, S. L. (2015). Sexual fluidity in young adult women and men: Associations with sexual orientation and sexual identity development. Psychology and Sexuality, 6, 189–208. Ich bin durch das Thema Beziehungsanarchie auf dieses Buch gestoßen, da alle anderen Bücher (z.B Polyamory - Theorie.org, Radikale Zärtlichkeit, etc. pp.) nur einen Abriss davon bieten, wie patriarchal und kapitalistisch Monogamie ist (pi pa po). Alles schön und gut, jedoch wollte ich für meine eigene, erste poly Partner*innenschaft auch sachlich in die Tiefe gehen, da es in dieser Gesellschaft alles andere als leicht ist, einen alternativen Beziehungsstil zu führen. Ich wollte mal die Gesellschaftskritik außen vorlassen und mich auf meine Freund*innen- und Partner*innenschaft konzentrieren. I won’t give away the secrets of Fern’s book in this review, but I will say the roadmap she offers for cultivating secure attachment with multiple partners is extremely helpful, and perhaps even revolutionary. At the end of the book, she stresses that people pursuing such relationships must, above all, earn a secure attachment with their own selves.

For people who are new to nonmonogamy, this may give some questions to chew on, and it may be helpful to get you more oriented in the world of nonmonogamy, but it's mostly for people who are well into it and working through more than one important, emotionally committed relationship. It would be a shame, however, if only polyamorous people read Polysecure—because, as this book reveals, polyamorous relationships have a great deal to teach everyone about how to create dependable, enduring connections with others. Attachment theory basics Being the attachment figure for more than one person can risk stretching us too thin, but that doesn’t just happen in polyamory. It can happen when we have more than one child, or if our own parents become childlike in old age—and those situations can threaten attachment with partners, as our attention shifts to those in need. That’s why Fern’s lessons for holding multiple attachments can be widely applied outside of romantic relationships. If we cultivate awareness of attachment styles and the attachments themselves, then we can more skillfully manage them. Klesse, C. (2006). Polyamory and its ‘others’: Contesting the terms of non-monogamy. Sexualities, 9(5), 565–583. Klesse, C. (2011). Notions of love in polyamory—Elements in a discourse on multiple loving. Laboratorium. Жypнaл Coциaльныx Иccлeдoвaний, 3(2), 4–25.

Sorting into definable, relevant fractions

Of course, I couldn't wait to get to the second and third sections, which were particularly oriented to polyamory. It was these sections however, that I found to be less than what I had hoped for. Perhaps I've just been reading too much poly literature and am (to misuse the term) polysaturated in terms of my reading. And perhaps the excitement that I felt in reading the first section, which I found so inspiring and personally actionable, led me to expect too much of the rest of the material. But I just found that there wasn't that much that was surprising or revelatory to me in the poly-specific sections, and what was there was a little bit repetitious. Since I was so clearly able to identify each of our attachment styles in the first section, (we're like the three bears of attachment), I guess I was hoping the latter sections would contain tips broken down specifically for A-B dynamics, B-C dynamics, A-C dynamics, et cetera. Possibly because it's the middle of the pandemic, and my reading brain isn't as sharp, but the beginning chapters of the book were a little dry and hard for me to get into. However, the middle and ending were both more readable, and helpful. Benson, K. L. (2017). Tensions of subjectivity: The instability of queer polyamorous identity and community. Sexualities, 20(1–2), 24–40.